Welcome to The Pair Bond. 
My name is Yaj. I help people with their relationships.
My main theoretical orientation is Attachment Theory.
It's a superbly reliable lens and approach for couples and individuals with relational struggles.
I would love the opportunity to be of help to you in your situation.
♥
If a person’s connection with significant others is not part of the coping and healing process, then, inevitably, it becomes part of the problem and even a source or re-traumatization. - Susan Johnson
Roadmaps to Healing Trauma
Last Summer, a year ago, was my last blog post. We were all still pretty new at lock down, and I had just entered, in earnest, the realm of learning about healing trauma. I loved that piece of writing. The … Read More
Transactional Consciousness – The Knock-Knock
Transactional Consciousness in Relationship On the one hand, there’s something natural about just opening our mouths and saying something, especially when there’s someone in the room who can hear us. We open up and say something that is on our … Read More
Trauma Denial – the Pandemic in Relationships
We are living in the age of the brain. Our scientific knowledge about the neurological realm has expanded, and keeps expanding, to new frontiers at a faster pace than ever before. The discoveries allow us to go deeper into understanding … Read More
New “F” Words – Fight or Flight, Continued…
I don’t know when I first heard the phrase, fight or flight. It may have been in ninth grade biology class, but it was probably before that, in a precociousness-inviting moment associated with observing cat behaviors at home with my … Read More
The One Who Wants Less
I was on a first date at the zoo in my twenties when I lived in San Diego. We came upon the giraffes and it was mating season. I learned up close and personal how certain females in the animal … Read More
3 Questions to Heal the Conflict
Every couple has tension at times, arguments, and even blowout fights. However, most couples are not employing reliable instruments of conscious reflection, insight, and communication to resolve them, and to learn and grow in the process. It is simple, but … Read More
Your World – My World, Tolerating Difference
What do you do when you disagree with someone? It takes a certain kind of strength to stand still, holding onto your sense of self and sanity, while in the face of difference, disagreement, seemingly incompatible perceptions of reality. To … Read More
Severe Gratitude
My mother used to say, “You never appreciate being well until you’re sick.” And, “Count your blessings” (though she would follow that one up with her snarky, “One, one and a half…., two…”). Then there are rags to riches stories … Read More
Boundaries & Good Circuitry
I just listened to a Ted Talk on the subject of boundaries, my favorite topic, and the speaker, Sarri Gilman, opened with this: we are all in the middle of our life story, and our story is shaped by what … Read More
Dump Defensiveness
We don’t need fancy concepts of evil, like multi-layered depths of hellish infernos underground with corresponding degrees of punishment. We have it above ground. It’s called defensiveness. I’m not calling people who display this behavior evil; I’m calling it a … Read More
Attack or Shut Down?
There are two faces of Emotional Reactivity. Two sides of one coin when it comes to how we react – behave – when we are emotionally triggered. All human reactivity can be categorized as being more of one form than … Read More
Eliminating Painful Interactions
Life is short. Or, according to Chris Rock, life is long, and I get his point. It can seem awfully long sometimes. But whether it’s short or long, it is fair to say that life is hard enough without humans … Read More
The Buddha Bonk is Back!
Ever notice how hard it can be to stay kind, centered, calm and compassionate – Zen-like – in the face of daily annoyances and perturbances that cause us to lose our cool? Especially when particularly annoying people are particularly annoying? … Read More
We All Need Help
It’s true. And many people are fond of reciting that statement. I am not one of them. Until now. I’ve decided to not only get over my irritation with this line, but to actually find my way to ownership of … Read More
Wild at Heart Revisited
Do you ever find yourself contemplating the animal kingdom for inspiration about parenthood and instincts? Partnership and sexuality? Have you ever felt warmed by learning of a particular species’ mating-for-life habits on The Discovery Channel? And do you sometimes feel … Read More
Shame Helps Us Survive (Sometimes, If It’s the “Right” Kind, Not Too Often, and We Do the Right Thing with It)
I actually used to believe that I don’t suffer from shame. I thought it was one of those unfortunate emotional experiences that other people have, different from my own, not necessarily worse, but certainly not better. I was wrong. I … Read More
Don’t Feed the Fears
Which wolf in your head wins the fight? The one you feed. If you feed the fear wolf, then the fear wolf wins. Fear seems so real, so valid. It wears very distracting clothing – hard to ignore. Flashy. Compelling. … Read More
Romance, Revisited…
What is “romantic” anyway? Candlelight dinner, flowers, a table with a view? It can be. If it’s with someone I feel safe with, loved by, and close to. Someone who is available for real intimacy with me. Whom I trust. … Read More
Romantic Love vs. True Love – A Buddhist Perspective
The beloved Buddhist teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, answers a question about romantic love vs. True Love. I find it a crucial distinction. True Love, he illuminates, requires four elements: Loving Kindness Compassion Joy Inclusiveness This teaching was shared in response … Read More
Pain-Free Partnership – A 3-Step Path to Living Smarter in Relationships
Pain-Free?! Does she mean pain-free marriage? Relationship?! Is she insane? Well, that last one requires more research, but this article is ready and it’s for people who experience painful interactions in relationship, and who want relief. Period. I discovered a … Read More
Formal Love Feels Good
There’s a thing I say when met with an objection to the formality I suggest people use when communicating with their spouses. “How is shooting from the hip as an overall approach working out for you?” If you can honestly … Read More
Green Dude Therapy
There is a very small, green, stuffed dragon sitting in my office. It’s about three inches tall. It was won at a carnival game and given to me many years ago. I put it in my office at the time, … Read More
It Takes a Village Parent, or Three…
I have had a strangely surprising and important realization about parenting in our society. I may never have had it if I was not a single mother. There’s something very raw and exposed about being out in the world on … Read More
No Hot Dogs in the Pool
Would you ever think of questioning that rule? In life, there are certain things we can pretty much all agree on – basic rules for sane living. No hot dogs in the pool. No pooping on the living room rug. … Read More
“Needy” isn’t Greedy
Have you ever felt that someone deserved the anger you felt toward them? Because they did something particularly annoying, inconsiderate, or self-absorbed? I know the feeling. But there’s more to the story. Underneath all unpleasant emotions, we have needs that … Read More
Mate Selection 101
“There are no accidents.” You’ve heard that phrase? I don’t like it. I find it annoying. It’s not that I don’t believe there is a very valuable nugget of truth in it. There is. I just prefer other phrasing to … Read More
The Big, Obvious Secret to Happier Relationships
Have you ever wondered how couples look from a relationship therapist’s eyes? I can only speak for myself, but in my travels I have seen that any therapist who is trained well to work with couples and who is also … Read More
5 Compliment Tips for Reaching Your Partner’s Heart
Who doesn’t like a sincere compliment? Well, some people have difficulty receiving acknowledgment or recognition, and that’s a whole other blog post. But many people do enjoy healthy appreciation sent their way, and most of us need more. This isn’t … Read More
3 Crucial Areas of Intimate Partnership
I will never forget the moment when a therapist – a good one – demonstrated for me something so simple, yet so profound, about relationships. This was about eighteen years ago, and it is as true now as it was … Read More
